Sunday, March 25, 2018

Hah! No Pictures ...

Once again the devil throws up on my eiderdown: I find myself, through no fault of my own, with four kg of foie gras au torchon in the freezer. So anyone who turns up at The Shamblings™ this year may find themselves asked to help deal with this situation. There's also some duck breast turning into prosciutto hanging in the garage, along with that wild boar ham: and speaking of which Daniel Carle is supposedly arriving at Martin & Angela's some time this moaning to drop off some more.

Good thing there's now a bit of room in the freezer: good, too, that the boar is supposed to arrive ready-cut, which means I won't have to turn up nonchalantly swinging the sabre saw. That tends to attract unwanted attention, especially if the gendarmerie happen to be making one of their periodic rounds in the area.

Those of you who take an interest in such things will doubtless be aware that over here in Ole Yurrup there is a cold snap: I can confirm that this is the case. It snowed on Wednesday, and that turned to heavy rain on Thursday, and it got cold and dismal enough that we felt it necessary to turn the fire on. Not so much for the heat; just for the flames.

Of course Wednesday would be the day I had to go through to Lezignan to get new tyres put on Sarah's rear end, and the fact that 5mm of snow is enough, in these parts, to make people - especially those with big 4x4 SUVs - drive like pithed frogs did not improve my mood: already dyspeptic enough at having to go out in -5° weather, and with one of those bloody ridiculous half-width spare tyres on to boot. In principle you're not supposed to go over 80k with one of the damn things but I need not have fretted, I was lucky if I managed to get up to 60.

And then when the rain arrived it came from the Wrong Trousers, for the wind had turned to a violent easterly and this is not a good thing because a) it makes for very wet rain, what with all the humidity from the Mediterranean and b) it's hammering on the eastern side of the house which almost never gets any rain and was built in consequence, so the verandah roof leaks and we have major lakes, with tides, out there. Which doesn't impress the dogs, either. With the exception of Emma, who could care more. She has an unrelentingly sunny disposition, and she loves water. Also, she is known as Piddling Emma and for good reason, so sometimes we find lakes out there even if it's not rained. Such is life.

While I'm thinking about cars, little Suzy went off for the mandatory contrôle technique the other day and - to general consternation - is actually good to go for another two years, provided we shell out some €200 to get the little warning light that is permanently on fixed. Not too bad for 15 years, almost 300 000km on the clock, and zero maintenance apart from the odd oil change from time to time. Try telling that to the young folk today.

Oop't bar things are still somewhat shambolic - that is, it is rather more probable than not that what you get is not what you ordered, also the dishes that you did not order at a table of four are all but guaranteed to arrive spread out over a period of an hour or so - but what the hell, we is has our bar back. And we are taking over! Of a Friday evening, anyway. Between the English, the Irish, the Germans, the French contingent from Montbrun, the Dutch couple that turned up on our doorstep one bitterly cold night a few weeks ago (having discovered that the lock had broken, and they were locked out), a couple of Swedes and a Dane from Douzens, some yoof and the Mouxois who don't mind sharing the place with us, there's probably about thirty of us.

And Tuesdays it's lad's night out as Martin and Terry and Nev and Ivor and José head up for an evening playing pool ... I think Margo wants to get me out of the house for she gently hinted that perhaps I should go up as well, but I pointed out that no-one really wants to lose an eye to an unfortunate stroke of the cue, also Lionel would be upset when I rip a great gouge in the felt, and that is where the matter rests.

It was grey and dismal when I went through to the market at Carcassonne the other day but hey! the first of the local asparagus are out (you really should avoid the dry wizened spears that have spent a couple of days in the back of a truck coming up from Spain, just saying) and on top of that the reptile family from Marseillette actually had some bigarade, the bitter Seville oranges, on offer and so I did the only thing possible under the circumstances and bought all they had left, which amounted to just over a kilo. And now it smells bright and sunny in the kitchen as they simmer in the big copper pan, all chopped up nicely, waiting for their apotheosis as marmelade.

I had actually thought, when I went off to get the few kilos of sugar required, to pick up some preserving jars as well, but when I'd finished boiling it up to 104.5°C (soft ball) it became apparent that they were not going to be enough, and of course it was a Sunday so the odds of being able to go pick up some more were pretty low: happily, rummaging under the crooks and nannies in the pantry and below the stairs turned up a few lurking jam jars and so now I find myself with about 2.5kg of Seville marmelade on my hands. Metaphorically speaking.

 We bravely left the house yesterday for points south, down in the rugged stony Corbières, to see if we couldn't find a little fête de la bière artisanale that was supposedly being held somewhere called Portel des Corbières. And we made it, despite Goofle's best efforts at killing us by sending me off along little twisty roads (I suppose you could call them that, they were actually sealed, which is pretty good) and through gorges and ravines. There seems to be no option to say "Do NOT want the scenic route" when using Google Maps on yer phone. Mind you, it was still better than the first time ever we came down this way, some seven or eight years ago now, when the now superannuated GPS Of Doom sent us from Carcassonne up and over and onto the southern flank of l'Alaric and along goat-tracks and through a military firing zone, just to get to St Laurent de Cabresrisse. I think, on the whole trip, we saw maybe three houses and thirty-odd sheep, so it was definitely restful.

Anyways, they'd doubtless cunningly planned this little festival to coincide with the solemn and sacred Feast of St Patrick, and there were loads of people. Rather more, we thought, than they'd planned on. Also, on the website there were five little micro-breweries announced: there were in fact seventeen of them. That rather surprised me. Whatever, it was all excellent; although "Vlad", the 9.8% Imperial Stout (two English guys and a Belgian, from up in Ginestas), was very smooth and without a hint of bitterness it did leave me, an hour or so later, thinking wistfully of a nice little nap somewhere quiet.

And in keeping with the spirit of the day there was an enthusiastic and surprisingly competent Celtic punk group providing the music: three guys dressed, to all appearances, in dead badgers. We left, not too soddenly, shortly after their mid-afternoon finale, and I couldn't help but notice that the queue at the fish'n'chip wagon wasn't really getting any shorter.

Whatever, this has been kind of episodic due to Busy!, also I have to rummage through the fossil pile to find papers for the accountant so that he can fabricate the end-of-year statement and that I may pay income tax, and there are drinkies at Montbrun tonight so perhaps I should go and shave.

Mind how you go, now.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

I Get Out ...

If you take a look at the satellite view of these here parts, you'll see that the montagne d'Alaric is a great long outcrop (mostly limestone, which is why there was a four à chaux here, to turn the stuff into chalk) that stretches from Carcassonne to Moux, where it abruptly ends. Well, not quite, for the massif itself stops dead, but stretching out some four km to the east are two rocky ridges - and in the northern one there is a natural cutting that takes you through, rather than up and over - about 1 km apart, and between them is the plaine de l'Alaric.

This is mostly occupied by vines, olive trees and rabbits - and hunters, in season - but that is not the point. The thing is, if you leave Moux and go through the cutting you can just keep walking south across the top of the plain until you get to the southern ridge, where you have to start doing a bit of work as it climbs. After a while the tarmac disappears and if you carry on through the open stands of pine and low shrubs and rosemary and stuff, with the sun filtering through the leaves, you eventually get to a crossroads: east towards Fabrézan, west back up into the Alaric to join up with the GR77, or south for another four or five km going (mostly) downhill to Camplong.

I had no wish to add another couple of hours to my walk, nor to ring home from Camplong and ask Margo to come pick me up, so I turned around and went back the way I'd come. Even so, my calf muscles gently reminded me the next day that I'd done it. Getting soft; I really should get out more often.

Through the usual channels I learn of yet another IoT sex toy - the proudly Made In Germany "Vibratissimo Panty Buster", if you really want to know, but damned if I can work out what their target demographic is with a name like that (also, I do not want to know what would come out if I put the company name "Amor Gummiwaren" through Goofle Translate*) - which, as they rather nicely put it, "failed even basic penetration testing". Cue sniggering, and Benny Hill theme music. More explicitly, the backend database was wide open and the thing could be remotely controlled via Bluetooth or the innatübz: the manufacturer contended that the possibility of such non-consensual tickling was a feature, not a bug. So be careful, people.

Also, I have done my good deed for the year: unpaid tech support for a neighbour having problems sending with gmail. Tracked that one down to bloody Avast AV and twepped the thing, but you can see why the less computer-literate would be completely lost. Of course it was the free version, said it needed to be updated but the licence had expired, would I like to buy the Standard version at only 14€ or the Pro at €25? Then you spot the teeny button that says "No, I'm a cheapskate" and click on that and up comes the download screen offering the choice of the Standard or Pro versions ... life's too short, I just uninstalled it.

But even at that, the uninstall asks you plaintively if you're really sure you want to do this, and when you reply that "Yes, I really, really want to get rid of this useless piece of shit" it refuses to go any further until you say why ... I absolutely hate software like that, and I feel no guilt whatsoever at sending it into the bit-bucket and flushing it down the crapper.

This will come back to bite me on the bum, I know, because when she has problems using the iPad that her daughter cruelly gave her for Christmas the first stop for advice will be me.

I sometimes get a bit OCD about things, I know - look on it as a procrastination-enabler because I actually do have better things to occupy my time than get obsessed about accented characters no longer displaying correctly in Arial. So having been annoyed about that for about the past month, and being kind of busy with other things today, I had no choice really but to put everything else to one side and get to the bottom of it. At first I vaguely suspected it was some weirdness in Firefox and I was already getting pretty pissed off with that, due to the latest update having set bloody Bing as my search engine without so much as a by-your-leave - and even less pardonable, from my point of view, set the startup preferences to "go directly to Bing" rather than "display my tabs from the last session".

Which really, really annoyed me, as there were two tabs with information it'd taken me half a day of exotic search queries to find and that I hadn't bothered to bookmark. Nor, two days later, could I remember exactly which queries had come up with paydirt ... so I was a) back to square one in my search to find out how to preload a 32 or 64-bit version of a runtime library depending on the executable type, and b) half looking for an excuse to switch to Chrome, or Opera, or anything ... but it turned out not to be that.

Eventually, spelunking around in the font files and the registry, I realise that I must have installed some PoS software on or about January 17, because that's when the Arial font file got replaced with one called "homol.ttf". I have no recollection of that at this time. Only took most of the morning to track that one down, and I'm supposed to know about things like that.

Well, I managed to make a bit of room in the freezer by the simple expedient of removing the 5kg leg of sanglier that's been sitting there for a while, and sticking it into salt. Should be ripe in ten days or so, then I can brush it off, slather it liberally with lard and cracked black pepper, and hang it up in the garage to dry. If nothing goes wrong - like mildew, blight or leprosy - should be good to eat around mid-June. Be warned.

Now I just have to clean out the fridge: there's about two kilos of foie gras cru in there waiting for some attention. I think I shall do two of the little suckers au torchon, and the last I shall put into a terrine and produce a mi-cuit so that Margo can eat it. And in other really exciting news (if porcelain cooking gear makes you go weak at the knees), my gratin dishes should be turning up in a couple of days. I know, I have gratin dishes - not exactly coming out my ears, but enough for any reasonable person - but they are not the right gratin dishes.

For, many many years ago back in NooZild I bought a large white oval porcelain gratin dish and we were very happy together for a while, but then on one of our moves it disappeared and I thought no more of it - until, a few weeks ago when I was up in Paris and Ian brought it out. For we had left it with them, when we left for our two years OE in France, some thirty-one years ago. And for some reason, I got obsessed with getting it back.

Fairly obviously I wasn't going to rip it from Marie's cold dead fingers (for one thing, she's probably meaner than I am in a fight) so I did the obvious thing and asked of the great Google. Now it turns out that Apilco still make that exact model: but I cannot recommend that you go looking for it on their website, for it is absolutely shite, and every single link I clicked on came up with a 404 error. Google gave me links to some of their catalogues (sadly, not the one for the particular line I was looking for) but you could not get there from the site itself. Go figure.

Also, they have an online store, or "boutique" as they so charmingly put it. That too, I discovered, does not work. I am not surprised. (Cynicism means you're never disappointed - and, in my experience, rarely pleasantly surprised.) But I found a couple of sites that not only advertise themselves as having Apilco porcelain for sale, but also have an actual working store, so I went to the first of these and found exactly the one I was looking for (lacking 35 years of burnt-on filth patina, but you can't ask for too much) and because breakages will happen, I ordered two.

I should probably not be allowed on the innatübz unsupervised, because then I looked at the second site and they had a smaller model, and if I had two they would be ideal for making and serving coquilles St-Jacques for two people, so I ordered those as well, and they also had big enamelled cast-iron gratin dishes at half price and it would have been criminal not to take advantage of that so I ordered two of them for good measure, and then I came to my senses and stopped.

You see why Amazon is eating everyone's lunch. After the cooking ware splurge I also had occasion to buy a new keyboard, due to a highly technical incident involving white wine spewing out of my nostrils all over the old one, and I headed off to the rueducommerce website to see if they still stocked the Microsoft Natural keyboards. They do, and for the low, low price of €48, so I stuck one in my shopping cart and headed for the metaphorical checkout: where I learnt to my dismay that I'd either have to pay €6 extra for shipping, or they'd generously let me pick it up in a couple of days - for no extra charge - at the nearest Carrefour. Unfortunately, as far as they were concerned that would be the one at Port La Nouvelle, an 80km round trip from here ...

Amazon had it at exactly the same price, for free delivery to the door the next working day. Guess who I chose.

Whatever, all good things come to an end and our itinerant bar Chez Réné is no exception. Magali and Lionel will be opening the doors on Monday, so last Friday was our final session: a large crowd of us gathered and ate a bit, and drank somewhat more than usual and almost certainly more than absolutely necessary (and yes, I did feel a bit embarrassed taking all the empties down to the recycling yesterday moaning), and we dragged it out till around 1am in a general ambiance of jollity and self-congratulation at having kept it going for almost a year.

And you know, I really think we deserve to feel a bit smug about it. From saying casually to Rick and Mary one day "see you oop t'bar Friday?" and having that snowball, when the real bar shut down, to managing to keep a group of friends, French and English, together: we've not done too shabbily.

But anyway, tonight is bar night at Montbrun and it's François' birthday - a youthful 58 - so I better go knock up a chocolate cowpat cake for thirty, that being our contribution to the festivities. Also, I have yet another three foie gras that are even now soaking in milk, and which I need to salt and pepper and leave to macerate for a bit in Rivesaltes before poaching them tomorrow. Mind how you go, now.

PS: the €20 menu at La Petite Auberge at Tournissan is more than honourable: excellent foie gras, a lovely-looking risotto with mushrooms and bacon, magret de canard ... Le Tournedos, at Lézignan, is great if your tastes run to grillades - they've an open fire in the dining room just for that - but if you want a cassoulet be aware that theirs is the "original" recipe, with no tomatoes. So just beans, duck, and bits of pig. The servings are copious - we waddled out with a huge doggy-bag - but sad to say the profiteroles au chocolat were strictly industrial. I couldn't finish them either, but they did not end up in the bag.

* I cracked. The answer, for what it's worth, is "Cupid Rubber Goods".

Monday, January 29, 2018

19th Nervous Breakdown ...

The world has become a slightly more boring place, as one more of life's little mysteries has been resolved. Here at The Shamblings™ we is technologically advanced, having as we do a cargo-cult doorbell consisting of a huge box with a bell and a transformer in it inside, and an actual bell-push at the front door: it has never worked. One day, a while back, I got annoyed with this and dragged out the multimeter and a few screwdrivers and the power drill, then drilled out the rusting screws that held the 70's-era bell-push in its cavity in the wall.

Great crumbs of rusted metal fell out, and it became clear to me that the ends of the copper wires that had once been connected to what was once a button had long since ceased to function as conductors, so I headed off to the hardware store and got a stainless steel plate to cover up the gaping and now superfluous hole and a new button with a handy light in it so it can be seen in the dark and a handful of screws and bolts to hold the whole thing together - bloody miracle, it all worked! And it carried on doing so, for a while, until it stopped.

A few weeks of that and it started, quite of its own accord, to work again: we were happy and then it stopped - once more - and stubbornly stayed like that. I checked everything I could think of: there was 220V going into the bell and 10V coming out of the transformer, I had more-or-less 10V at the switch, but no ding!dong! Then three days ago it worked.

You take this sort of thing with mild pleasure, and above all you don't ask questions ... halfway up the wall in the living room, just by the door, there's a block of three light switches and an extremely inconveniently placed power point: I guess it's there so that the little electrons come tumbling out downhill and so are not tired when it comes time for them to make the vacuum cleaner work, or something like that. One of the switches is for the central light inside, one is for the light in the verandah, and the other one - we never worked that out, could turn it on or off and it made neither a tot nor a jittle of difference.

So last night, as I was heading outside on my own business (emptying cooking oil down the storm drain BAD TREVOR! if you must know), I noticed that it was on, so as it serves no useful purpose I turned it off, and at the door saw that the doorbell was not working anymore. Yes, some unsung genius had decided way back when to wire the neutral side of the bell-push switch through a light switch inside the house, to what end I simply cannot imagine. There you have it, now we know.

Whatever, the ageing Asus laptop I use for all my Linux development is starting to warn me about unrecoverable hard drive errors, so rather than waiting until the old beast falls flat on her face and then have to do everything in a mad rush I thought I'd take the new (almost unopened) Asus that I bought a few months ago, for just such an occasion as this, and set it up as a dual-boot Windows/Linux system. Aren't I brave?

Every year, for almost as far back as I can remember, some wittering know-nothing cretin tech pundit has been proclaiming this to be "the year of Linux on the desktop". And every single year, this has signally turned out not to be the case. Having just survived - and I mean, "just" - installing a bog-standard Fedora 27 installation, I can honestly say that there are five reasons for this: in order, they are The. Fucking. Shitty. GNOME. Shell.

There we are, I've said it. The thing is, professional developers actually have the advantage of what they call, in the trade, a "useability lab". This is a thing where innocent people are pulled in off the street and forced to use software - as it might be, the latest version of Office - until their eyes boil out of their sockets while people in serious white lab-coats and armed with clipboards observe their suffering and make snarky remarks. The point is that the happy team who develop GNOME do not have one of these, and I truly believe that they live in some sort of echo chamber and are convinced that they are right.

Even when it comes to having big blobby icons that were designed by a four year-old with access to too many Crayola sets, the belief that swapping between mouse and keyboard to get anything done is ergonomic and - my personal favourite - scroll bars that disappear when you're not looking at them. Nice one, guys! Yeah, I know, I could spend a week or so spelunking about and installing five zillion add-ons and customising it to my wishes, but I'm lazy and do not want to have to do this.

Nor, I suspect, do 90% of the 80% of computer users who are used to Windoze, and that sheer weirdness unfamiliarity is why they're not going to switch. And I certainly won't push anyone I know to do so, not even hint that such a thing is possible; I know damn well I'd wind up spending most of my time as unpaid tech support.

Another thing I really hate for its sheer Byzantine complexity, but am forced to use, is Eclipse. The keyboard shortcuts are unobvious, there are always at least three ways of doing anything - each less intuitive than the others - and to top it off, it's useless out of the box. You have to install some add-ons - for C/C++ f'r'nstance - which is OKish, but first you have to work out how to do that. Simple enough, it's an option under the "Help" menu. Obviously. Then you have to guess which of the 15 or so packages to install: the documentation speaks airily of a "C/C++ CDT" but that's not actually in the list ... small wonder I'm on meds.

Also, the UI "designers" thought that having loads of teeny icons everywhere would be a really good idea, doubtless on the principle that icons make up some sort of universal language. This is true enough - for a given value of "true" - most of them are in fact either incomprehensible or misleading no matter what your native tongue may be. Click on the wrong one and you may discover that you've irreversibly reformatted your entire project in conformity with the Strunk & White style guidelines from 1959.

And even trying to rearrange windows in the workspace to suit your preferences is an exercise in frustration: you have sod-all visual feedback and what you do get just shows you what it feels like doing, not what you actually want it to do. Guess I should add Lisinopril to the shopping list.

Never mind, there is good news anyway because it's an ill wind that blows up nobody's arse, also there's a silver cloud to every lining; I can now buy vegetarian pesto at the local supermarket. What the hell do they put in the standard version, I wonder?

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Spring Cleaning ...

The shouting and the tumult have died, and now that we actually have two liveable rooms on the ground floor and cupboards and bookcases to put things in, we find ourselves chucking quite a lot out. Having lived without stuff for over four years does tend to make you wonder if you really, really need it taking up space. Like, as it might be, kids' fluffy toys from twenty-odd years ago: but they are all up in the attic, preserved from my rapacious hands. You never know, we might have grand-children at some point, for whom these things will be precious antiques. Or not.

Anyways, it's looking pretty good down there now, with photos and a couple of ancient Malcolm Warr prints on the walls, and since yet another truck-load of furniture turned up from Emmaüs there are comfy chairs and the books in their bookcases, and above all NO MORE BLOODY BOXES (check off a number of trips to the tip with little Suzy, full of flattened-out cartons). But I have had to order yet more picture rails for the first-floor bedrooms and the stairwell, also some picture frames because although I have any number of photos they do actually have to be framed ...

There had been plans afoot to head off for a walk around the massif of la Clape on the 31st, followed by a seafood lunch at la Perle Gruissanaise, but as the sun came up unpropitiously for sheep (you know, red sky, all that, apparently they don't like it) things got changed around a bit and we and Rick & Mary and Martin & Angela and all five dogs headed off a bit north-west, destination a short (6.5km) walking circuit that would take us around to look at some Visigoth graves. (Big thank you! by the way to Rick & Mary for getting us out of bed around 8am, just in time for me to see the sunrise when walking the dogs. I am so not bitter about that.)

I'd sneered at the weather and taken my photographer's vest rather than a jacket (for one thing, it has pockets that hold a spare zoom) and kind of regretted that for the first half hour or so because up there in the Minervois, closer to the montagne Noire, the climate is emphatically not the same. Think, humid. And very green, compared to here - and it's only about 20km away.

Still, reminds you that life was nasty, brutal and above all short back then in the 9th century. Forty-odd graves - pits in the earth, lined and covered with flat slabs of stone - and most of them only a foot or so long. For children.

Whatever, I decided to do a decent New Year's day dinner for us and Bob! and his son Alex. It's become a tradition in France to eat game at Christmas, so during the week afterwards everything goes on special as the use-by date arrives and - without actually having had the express intent to do so when I left the house - I picked up a largeish piece of NZ venison that should have been eaten that very day and stuck it in to marinate for a couple of days, reckoning that bacteria can't read the labels, anyway the alcohol should kill the little buggers off ...

And at the market I'd had the good luck to find proper yams, aka the "oca de Pérou", which seem to be available once a year at this season: they cost an arm and a leg but what the hell, as far as I'm concerned they're a tradition. So they went into the oven with orange juice and butter and a bit of brown sugar to bubble away, along with some sprouts in a gratin dish with cream and wholegrain mustard and blue cheese, whilst I did a proper job of barding the venison with some Black Forest ham that just happened to be in the fridge, and stuck that in the other oven at 220°.

(Actually, it turns out that I can in fact find yams at other times of the year, in the local bio supermarket. But I still have to take out a second mortgage to be able to afford them, and as often happens in these places, where turnover is pretty slow, they get dumped on the shelves and left there for weeks until either some enthusiast buys them, or they go runny. I have standards: won't touch them once they've started to go flaccid.)

Of course there was still the marinade, and some mushrooms and bacon, so champignons à la bourguignonne were inevitable, and a clafouti aux abricots seemed a no-brainer so that was dessert taken care of ... we ate and drank with moderation (for a certain value of "moderation") and that's how we started the year.

I agree that it is a good thing that we, consumers, should be made aware of just what it is that we are actually buying, and I have no problem with the fact that the labelling on - say - a packet of flour tells me that it may contain gluten, traces of nuts and, eventually, bits of small woodland animals that thought it would be fun to play chicken with a combine harvester. So when, just the other day, I took a couple of ready-made cassolettes de St-Jacques, sauce au chardonnay from the freezer (I know, I know, but I got them to see if they were any good 'cos it's quite handy to have something to hand if necessary) I was not surprised at all to find the same sort of thing.

What did surprise me - bear with me please, I'm getting to the point - was that they felt obliged to note the the product "may contain traces of mollusks". I wonder, sometimes.

And as one thing segues into another, let me tell you about the latest leap in culinary technology ... over here in furrin parts, UHT cream comes in little TetraPak bricks: used to be that they were just that, you'd slice a corner off with a good sharp pair of scissors and you were good to go, these days they all come with little plastic spouts and a screw-on cap, as if you really needed the extra hassle when you're cooking, have wet slippery hands and wind up ripping the carton in half and losing most of the cream on the floor as you try to unscrew the damn thing ...

The actual point is that I needed some more the other day, to go into the pastry for my galettes du roi, and I could not help but notice, when I got them home, that the entirely superfluous extra packaging was trumpeting something New! and Improved! - yes! "Bigger spout! Pours faster!" This is your unique selling point? Humanity, I weep for thee.

On the brighter side, reports of the death of the traditional French bistrot are somewhat exaggerated. I had occasion to head off to Paris for a couple of days, doing a bit of work for the SNCF - and let me just say that the cold reality of a 90-minute commute via RER/Metro morning and evening really brings it home to me that I must, somehow, have led a life virtuous enough that I am spared this shit on a daily basis (unless I'm being saved for something rather more dire) - and rather than eat at the canteen J-P and Dénis took me off to a little bar near the centre of Vitry for lunch.

Ah, such things as to die for. OK, the décor is resolutely French 60's with tables in massive Formica and chromed tubular steel, but the omelettes! Huge and creamy, with ham and cheese, actually decent frites that resemble McDonald's pus-bags only in the shape, and a generous helping of salad with a sharp creamy sauce - and the next day a boeuf bourguignon, tender as you could hope for. True, the waitress told me off for not eating all my carrot purée "it'll make your butt look nice and attractive for Madame" (although I'm not sure exactly how that works) but I was allowed to have a coffee anyway.

So there's hope yet.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

The Body Electric/New Look ...

Well, it's great news in our little southern village, for the bar is to reopen beginning of February! We had begun to despair, for nothing moved, and then it did it again, and it kept on doing it, sporadically. But the other moaning we met Didier Deville, local fabulist historian and, incidentally, member of the conseil municipal, who told us that it was a done deal, and that the lucky winner would be announced on Monday. And then that evening, all gathered at Cash & Terry's (for it was a Friday), who should turn up with José but Magali and Lionel.

We know them, they live just down the road, and it seems that against all odds they won the beauty contest: despite the fact that they are not on the best of terms with our Dear Leader. So as they are nice level-headed people who have what seem to be good plans for the place we are happy for them - and also for us, for a year without a bar is a long time. Also, as they apparently have the support of the local greasy eminence, half the population of Moux will not feel that they have to boycott the place: which means that there's a better chance of it getting off the ground.

Angela and Martin turned up for dinner (and to recuperate their two dogs, who stayed with us whilst they swanned off to a Robert Plant gig in London) and so we had salade Lyonnaise, homard thermidor and - because I found more baby beetroot at the market that day - this. I'm not saying you have to rush out and make it, because it won't actually change your life, but it does make a nice change from the eternal carrot cake, and the colour is beautiful.

Personally I leave the walnuts out because I am not that fond of them: I omit the ginger too, because Margo's not keen on that, but you could always replace that with candied citrus peel if you'd like. Can't hurt. Also, double the quantity of cream cheese frosting (Rick complained) to which - in lieu of ginger - you could add either natural lemon oil or very finely grated (Microplane! Yay!) lemon zest.

Anyways, being as all the wall sockets in the dining room needed to be taken down for painting porpoises, I decided to explore the mystery that is electricity here in The Shamblings™. There was a wall-mounted thermostat for an electric radiator next to the window, but the radiator had long since gone AWOL; also, two power points at the back of the room on one of the long walls with, in time-honoured rustic DIY tradition, an extension cord leading from them, glued atop the skirting board along the back wall, to two other power points on the facing wall. "That lot", I thought to myself, "has to go", so I pulled the main fuse and, after checking that there was nothing that was in fact live, unwired the extension cord from the first two plugs.

A good start, and then I put the fuse back so that I had light to see by, and started to unwire the other end of the extension cord. I expect you see what's coming? I mean, my fault entirely and on top of it I know better, and I had absolutely no justification whatsoever for my belief that the extension cord took power from the first two power points to feed the other two. I said a few choice words as my thumb tingled, and resolved not to make the same mistake again.

And then there was the light fitting on the ceiling: it used to be considered good practice back in the day - before they mandated the use of pre-wired sockets and plugs - to at least tighten the screws on the little domino connectors that were used to hook up the wires from the light to the actual mains supply. This appears to have been thought unnecessary here, for the wires were just stuffed in to the connector. Which I found out, rather to my surprise, when I came to unhook the thing and the domino just fell to the floor as I touched it with a screwdriver.

I also removed the surplus-to-requirements thermostat: now the power point just next to it (which I guess once fed the now long-gone radiator) no longer works, although there is 220V on the phase pin. I strongly suspect that the thermostat was wired into neutral - electrically that works, of course, but it is highly illegal and may also be shockingly surprising to the unwary - and I shall check that out this weekend maybe, when I have time.

For everything else has now been done: the walls are painted, the floors are clean, furniture has been moved in - even the huge old 1950s buffet that used to occupy an unconscionable amount of space in the garage was lugged up the steps and installed, and then we put the termites to the sword.

And now, for the first time in over four years, we are confronted with the pleasant problem of actually having somewhere to put stuff, rather than living with it in stacked cartons. Why, even my stereo and record collection have come out of their long hibernation - still in working order! (Although I shall have to see if someone still sells things like CD lens cleaners, for my poor old player futters and starts madly at the slightest provocation.)

And then I went online and ordered 15m of picture rails, for there are photos and prints to be hung, and no way am I going to be sticking holes all over the wall for individual hooks only to decide "not the right place!". Again. Not the old heavily-varnished wooden mouldings I recall from my misspent youth, but flashy, slim-line aluminium rails, such as would not be out of place in an art gallery ...

As usual with that sort of thing, there was a whole stream of confirmation email: first to tell me that my bank account had been debited, that my order had been confirmed and would be processed as soon as possible, and a little caveat to the effect that internet boutiques are really difficult things to do and that even if something shows up as being in stock it might not really be so 'cos some other bastard got in before you. So you might not actually get what you ordered.

I like to think that I'm a reasonably tolerant person, and in any case I'm used to incompetence, so apart from a few mutterings along the lines of "How hard can it be? I used to write real-time stock-control systems, FFS" I was willing to let it go, but I must admit it was kind of annoying to read the fine print that said (more or less) "Should this be the case, we will of course reimburse you - probably within two or three weeks."

Whatever, I need not have worried - too much - for then I got a mail from the transporter to tell me that my order had been picked up and was ready for delivery, followed by one from the supplier to tell me much the same thing, but thoughtfully listing the items: which consisted of a gift voucher, a plastic pochette and a 1000-page catalogue. Not a mention of the picture rails I'd actually ordered, but then the next day there was another flurry of emails to let me know that a second package would soon be on its way, and that this one had what I wanted.

Then came yet another email from the transporter to let me know that my order would be delivered on Friday 22/12, if that was convenient: of course, the picture rails turned up today, Thursday, and I got an SMS to let me know that there had been a delivery. Which seems kind of pointless, but what would I know? Then came another email, to say that they had to get a flatbed truck for the 1000-page catalogue, so that will be delivered next Wednesday: it will probably turn up tomorrow. You get used to it. (Although I am not entirely sure what I shall do with the bloody 1000 page catalogue: weight-lifting? A doorstop, for summer? Perhaps weighting a ham when I cure one? Margo says it will be her friend.)

Whatever, Merry Christmas. Bah, humbug.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Mostly, Food ...

Once again the mighty organ deep in the bowels of the mairie farts into tremulous life: stunned sparrows drop from the speakers and Jerôme's voice is completely lost under the recorded noise of bugles, blown out their arses by a squad of jodphured twits with two bottles too many under their belts.

Still, a red-letter day in Moux, as the mayor's idiot nephew and his henchmen load up the municipal white van and careen merrily through the vines and fields in the plaine d'Alaric, flinging bewildered pheasants left and right from the tailgate as they go. For today it is the "lacher des faisans" for the benefit and pleasure of those "hunters" too elderly, too senile or too obese to go and actually hunt their own bloody prey. I have this mental image of some retarded bird standing in the middle of a circle of some fifty-odd red-nosed men with rifles, and the thought of what could happen were it to be wearing a suicide belt warms the cockles of my wizened grimy heart.

The suicide belt would probably be unnecessary, truth to tell, as the circle of hunters would be firing at one another ...

Seems only overnight that the platanes, the plane trees that you find in every French town worthy of the name, have gone from green to brown, and our very own St. Régis is shivering up on his pedestal as the brittle leaves scurry about the place with every gust of wind.

In Carcassonne, les inconditionels of Chez Félix sit out huddled in their greatcoats as they sip coffee at the terrace tables and smoke their weedy rollups but we don't care, for we are in our house, and warm. Not only because of the central heating, also because David, Yotam and Nigel turned up together in the letterbox the other day and so I have been inspired to cook and even - in the case of Ottolenghi's beetroot cake - bake. Which means that the oven has been working overtime, and my little kitchen is warm and cosy. And smells that way. Coriander and cumin and pumpkin and garlic in the couscous, beetroot and orange in the cake (and, incidentally, in the meat patties for the couscous), duck fat and pig products in the cassoulet from the other night ...

Slater has another beetroot cake recipe, involving chocolate and an unhealthy number of eggs: I shall doubtless get around to trying that, maybe when my new oven arrives?

For I took the plunge, and ordered a new 90cm wide stove with five gas hobs and three electric ovens, despite the fact that the manufacturer - in their quaint, totally incompetent English fashion - were completely unable to supply me with any more documentation than was available on RueDuCommerce: you know, those interesting little details such as the volume of each of the ovens? Shit like that, which is possibly boring to most people but which excites me.

OK, it's a model destined for the French market, but even so I was not expecting this as a reply: "Unfortunately I only have access to the information on UK models and therefore it would be best to contact a local retailer or search online for a user manual for the appliance" when I contacted customer disservice. (Incidentally, is it just me or does the phrase "reached out to" in lieu of the honest "contacted" drive other people to distraction too?) But frankly, I mean you actually make the damn things, and the best you can do is suggest that I "search online"? If England is indeed a nation of shopkeepers, they're the ones from "The League of Gentlemen". A local shop, for local people, who don't have to say what they want.

But I bought it anyway, despite not being able to kick the tires (one thing I dislike about online shopping for stuff like that, but there's no way I'm driving up to the Paris showroom to look at a stove) because it smiled at me.

There is one glaringly obvious problem with it (I have not yet dared tell Margo) which is that there is no warming drawer/storage space with it, all of that room being taken up by actual oven, so I shall have to find somewhere else to store all my roasting pans and baking dishes ... cross that bridge when we come to it, I reckon. Also, maybe she won't notice for a while. Godnose we've other things to occupy us. For now our newly refurbished living-room is (mostly) full of boxes of books and bric-à-brac that we've not - after four years, yet - got around to unpacking, so that we can go in and get all mediaeval in the dining room.

It will be lovely when it is done - and we're planning, perhaps optimistically, for Christmas - but as I've said, it is going to require quite a bit of demolition work on patches of the existing plaster: also, me learning how to plaster correctly. What the hell, I have all the required tools, what can possibly go wrong?

But never mind, the little guy with the Peruvian bonnet is back at the market, selling persimmons and, in hidden crates reserved for the more discerning clientèle, feijoas. It would be nice to have some anonymous benefactor just drop a 5kg bag of the things off at the front door from time to time but that's not going to happen, so I have to actually pay money to get my fix; but they are so good, and so worth it.

And once we get over the pleasure of just eating them like that, as they come, there are apple and feijoa crumbles, feijoa bretonne (there's another one from The Listener, on a torn-out, yellowing page of tatty newsprint which is towards the top of my precious Pile), and then there's a recipe for lemon and feijoa ice cream which I really ought to try ... better take advantage of them while I can, come Christmas they'll be gone.

I ordered my new stove on Saturday, and on Tuesday I got an email from the supplier to tell me that it had been shipped and should arrive within six to eight working days; I would get an email to say it was ready to be dropped off at the door and the driver would give me a call to check up on the exact time that was convenient to me.

"No problem", I thought, "it'll arrive sometime next week, have plenty of time to clean the old one before it goes off to a worthy cause, also to get the back entrance to the house ready so that we have room to get the new stove in ..."

Of course it came as a surprise, and an embuggerment, when the doorbell (which is actually working again, godsnose how or why but I guess they move in ineffable ways) rang and the dogs barked enthusiastically this moaning (Thursday) and there was a guy in a small lorry who said "party name of Bimler?"

"That would be me, yes."

"Waiting for a stove?"

"Yes", I said, "but wasn't there something about a bit of actual warning?"

"Well strictly speaking yerss, but it turned up in the depot so I thought I'd just bring it over on the off-chance ..."

On the bright side, he actually hauled it on the little transpal 50m up hill and down dale from the place to the back door, and was extremely cheerful about it: on the downside, it meant emptying the pantry extremely rapidly so we could bring the thing in before someone nicked it off the street, and then I spent the rest of the day swapping in the injectors for butane and rewiring a wall plug which had phase and neutral swapped around (good thing I checked, and only one wire - neutral, as it happens - broke off in my fingers and anyway it gave me the opportunity to actually wire up the earth) and generally installing the beast. Another upside: cleaning out the pantry we managed to get rid of about a cubic metre of old plastic ice-cream tubs and such that've been following us about like a bad smell for years. Which has to be good, right?

Whatever, it is now there in pride of place in my little kitchen, and we'll be either eating out or having microwaved dinners for the next few months because it is too new! sparkly! to actually be used. But I have checked, and all my baking trays and dishes will fit. So that's good, then.

I tell a lie. Down these parts we are "enjoying" a cold snap, and when it gets cold in the south of France it gets bitterly chilly; although the sun is shining brightly in that clear deep-blue sky the wind-chill from the tramontane takes it down to the double-digit negatives, which is not what we signed up for. (Note to self: complain angrily to someone about that.) Be that as it may, it is therefore the time of year when hearty dishes like cassoulet and such come into their own, so my stove got baptised with a largeish choucroute for eight. And although I do have form in that area, I was pleasantly surprised to find that once we'd all finished, there weren't really any leftovers to speak of. Makes a change: mind you, the weather does give one an appetite, and not for salads.

Come to that, in the vegetable drawer there are some brussels sprouts lurking, waiting to be parboiled and then go under the grill with lashings of blue cheese sauce with crispy bacon chunks; there is branched broccoli which should go rather nicely, stems and all, in a stir-fry with soy sauce, a bit of hoi sin and garlic and maybe some ginger, with a few sliced peppers; there are also some topinambours (the Jerusalem artichoke, to you) and I am damned if I know what I shall do with them, might involve parboiling and frying in lashings of butter (assuming I can still buy some), or maybe roasting. These are the problems with which I am confronted on a daily basis.

In other news, our neighbour Rory from the bottom of the place came over and very competently filled the massive holes my enthusiastic efforts had left in the walls of the dining room, so that rather than spending my day thigh-deep in plaster droppings I had time to bog up some of the more glaring cracks in the ceiling : this means that I shall spend tomorrow thigh-deep in plaster dust, as I sand everything back so that it's a rough approximation of flat. For a given set of values for "flat" which just happens to include "kind of wavy".

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Buildings And Stoves (More Songs) ...

So, as is my wont, I took Jara and Emma out for their evening piddle the other night: this is usually around 23:00 just to make sure they're ready for it. (Believe me, it's so much better not to have to clean up crap in the verandah first thing in the moaning.) It's about five or six km for the round trip by the time we've headed up the road that leads out and under the autoroute and made it up to the old four à chaux, so it's often midnight by the time we get back home.

And as usual, we came back past old Henri Bataille's mausoleum (actually not exclusively his, it belongs to the mostly deceased Huc family, of which he was a member), which would be relatively unimpressive were it not set in a park of cypress trees behind a high stone wall (into which, incidentally, are set - in letters of gold - some of Bataille's less banal verses, he must have been channeling Baudelaire at the time) with, plonked directly in front of it, a replica of Squelette by Ligier-Richier: because, for some reason, he wanted that. A décadent manqué, if you ask me ...

Anyways, in principle a mausoleum is as quiet as the grave, there's generally little to worry about if you've not been over-doing the absinthe, but as we went past late that night there was a shuffling and a clattering and a low, weary snuffling, as it might be some fell fangèd beast tearing unenthusiastically at the cere-cloths. Or possibly the Hell Horse - "old, lame, and weary unto death, and who shall look on it shall die". The dogs seemed anxious, and then as a cloud drifted over the moon there came a clomping, and a great sigh and a snorting, and then a large friendly donkey poked its head over the wall. Hoping, I think, for a sugar cube.

None of this, of course, prepared me for last night's episode. We'd given old Henri a wide berth (just saying, no point in taking unnecessary risks, what with the undead and all) and were coming back along l'avenue de l'Alaric, a road which is basically the southern boundary of Moux, and south of that there are fields, and vines, then the autoroute and beyond that the last ridges of our little mountain. We were not troubled by donkeys, nor by faceless abominations beyond the imagination of man, but as we got up to one of the sparse streetlamps I could not help but notice, four or five metres off to my right in the field, two wild boar cheerily munching away. The dogs were too surprised to say anything - probably just as well - and the sangliers looked up, spotted us, and trotted off into the darkness.

That's rather more excitement than I really need for an evening. Also, we were probably lucky that they decided to trot off, because you really do not want to mess with one of those things.

The living room here at The Shamblings™ is now painted in a fetching combination of sage green and pale cream, which means that in a couple of days the plumber can come back past and put up the huge radiator in there, as well as one in bedroom #2 on the first floor and one in my office, and then we can push the go-tit on the central heating. Which'll be rather nice, as the Cers is blowing and they're predicting highs of 8° during the day for the next week or so. (This was not, incidentally, in the brochures when we bought down here, and Margo in particular wishes to make her discontentment known.)

Two things not to do: start plastering, and look for replacement stoves on the innatübz. I say this from personal experience. The plastering I have already mentioned: you start, you just can't stop. I take some solace in the fact that when furniture is back occupying most of the room, the defects in the walls will be pretty much hidden. In the future dinning room I shall have to be more careful with my work, as thanks to decades of rising damp there are large chunks of plaster that are only hanging on to the walls by faith, or quantum inter-connectedness, or something. Also, when previous persons bogged up holes in the walls due to - as it might be - running power cables down there, or whatever, they did a job that even I would sneer at as being amateurish, and sanding back was obviously an optional extra which they weren't getting paid for and what the hell, who'll look?

I see that I am going to get extremely dusty, because I do look, and incidentally believe in sanding. Which reminds me that the Velcro plate on my elderly Bosch triangular sander finally gave up the ghost (just when I really needed it, of course) and so I tracked down a replacement and ordered it. (Not that easy to find, actually. The thing's twenty years old and has seen heavy use: the Bosch part would've cost as much as just buying a new sander. Luckily, Wolfcraft have a more reasonable pricing structure.) About a week later a huge heavy box arrived: instead of my long-awaited sanding plate it contained three nattily boxed sets of conduit saws, such as you use for drilling nice circular holes in walls for mounting power points and such.

Nice to have, may come in useful, three is still two too many and in any case it doesn't help my sanding problems - so I rang the supplier and said as much. "Ah yes", said the helpful woman on the hell-desk, "there seems to have been an error. We shall send you the right article straight away."

"And I may assume that your delivery-person will remove these three elegant cases of saws? Because I neither want nor need them, to be brutally honest with you."

"Oh no, keep them. We have already wasted enough money sending them to you by mistake, we do not need to pay even more to have them returned to us. Besides, we already got one." Ah well, I shall ask around friends and neighbours, see if I can't find someone to give them a good home.

But as for the oven - five burners (one a triple couronne, for woks and such) is non-negotiable, and I'm not going to pay fuck-all to buy a piece of crap (because I'm too poor to not buy quality), but do I want one huge oven, or would three smaller ones (one with a proper grill) make me happier? One gas and two electric would delight me, but there we're wandering off into hand-crafted stratospheric prices so I'll forget that. (I mean, the stoves are hand-crafted, lovingly assembled by maîtres-artisans from the finest materials, each signed with the craftsman's name. The prices too are hand-crafted, invented by the marketing people droids, and are designed to deter the hoi polloi from having nice things. Hey, I could buy a wood-fired one if I wanted, but then again I could buy a small Mercedes for the same price ...)

At this point I'd rather thought of inserting the minutes of the latest meeting of the Moux Dinning Club, but the napkin on which I jotted them down seems to have been used to mop up a massive wine spill at some point in the afternoon ...

Because we went off - about fourteen of us - to the chateau de Cavanac, a tad south-west of Carcasonne, for a birthday lunch the other Sunday. Lovely place, a good choice if you have visitors who want to try some très correcte traditional Frog cuisine: you'll not be startled by the originality of the menu but you'll not be disappointed by the quality either. Also, it's one of those rare beasts offering a fixed menu: apéro, four courses (with about six choices for each course), coffee and digestif plus all the wine you can drink for the outrageous price of 45€. The foie gras was excellent - only complaint there is one I have at every restaurant, which is "not enough thin, nicely grilled toast to go with it".

But then, although I am not French I have picked up a few French traits, and as anyone who's lived here for any length of time can tell you, the English may be a nation of shopkeepers but the French are a nation of râleurs. Show me a French-person with nothing to complain about, and I will show you a very miserable Frenchman.

Anyways, after a long quiet time I see that spam is back in my inbox, and those lovely girls Vera, Olga, Ekaterina and Inna (of the Tübz family, I assume) are reminding me just what a nice time we had a little while back. Individually, or possibly collectively - odd that I can't recall that, must be old age creeping up on me ...

I am a very conservative person and I hate chucking anything out, but I am having to seriously consider giving up my long relationship with Firefox. It was bad enough that the tabs are now hideous rectangular bricks - I guess the marketing consultants decided that "ugly" is what people want on-screen these days - but worse is that the latest version has bricked my more useful add-ons. Things like FireSSH, FireFTP, NoScript (without which I feel seriously and rather embarrassingly naked, not a pretty sight at my age): I am aware of the justification for this, I know that developers had plenty of warning if they wished to upgrade and yes, if I want to open an SSH session I can always use PuTTY but the thing is, I don't want to.

So I went back to version 52, and see I shall see how things go. Poorly, I suspect, and I shall have to change my working habits, which is always annoying.

And in other, unrelated news, the mayor's idiot nephew and the rest of the équipe municipale have been sent off to paint the railings and the park benches in the little square beside us. There are four of them: one to look after the paintpot, another to hold the brush, and two to move the benches back and forth.

Whatever, I'll leave you there. Those boxes of books are not going to shift out of the room by themselves.